I had a rather unpleasant pain experience whilst evacuating myself this morn. No, not like that. I was sat on the toilet, reading the NME, dreading the coming working day and contemplating how fusion power could revolutionise energy production, when I heard an ominous sound. This time it was not my bowels but was emanating […]
When I awoke this morning I had the terrible and shocking realisation that someone had broken into my flat during the night. Rather strangely they had not touched or taken anything. The only activity of this night intruder was to slap me repeatedly in my sleep. They did not wake me up; the first punch […]
The Hot Bottle Water Trick
It is one am on Saturday morning. You have had more than a bottle of wine and are off to bed, it has been a long day. It is a bitter cold night and your alcohol-addled mind thinks it would be a brilliant idea to use your beloved hot water bottle.
You […]
During periods of high anxiety I find that I often participate in odd unconscious nighttime activities. My new one appears to be sleep scratching. This is not in a DJ sense. I awoke this morning with nasty seeping scratches and gnashes all over my hands, arms, chest and legs. During the midnight hours I must […]
Arrrggghhh!!! You’ll have to excuse me today. I have to complete my major work-based project in the next couple of days. This magnum opus describing my day-to-day operation is now on its 197th page, and I’m not even half way though. If it is not completed by Monday then I face the corporate firing squad.
It’s […]
Something is happening tomorrow, something major. I am not telling you what it is yet. It is an adventure whereby I need to be one hundred percent fit and healthy. Not much to ask, I am fit and healthy and only suffer from colds a couple of times a year.
So what are the major things […]
The burnt wound on my left arm and hand has turned into a black puss filled, painful mess. I will not visit a doctor or hospital, oh no. My experiences with the healthcare industry have always been a little unsatisfactory. My mother will berate me for not going but I choose to suffer rather than […]
I’ve managed to give myself a number of severe razor cuts. I have red, bleeding sores all over my chin and have sliced a part of my lip off. I did this a few days ago but it still has not healed and is continuing to bleed every time I speak. It would not be […]
I witnessed a young lad being knocked over by a SUV this morning. He was walking behind it and the driver decided to reverse into the main road without looking. Bonk! The lad went down. He got right back up, dusted himself off and continued on his way as though nothing had happened. The driver […]
I’ve managed to recently experience real pain. It was exciting. My elbow really really hurt and swelled up like a large…erm….elbow. The pain was so great I expected to witness a secret midget using his full flame lighter on my exposed elbow. I must have banged it whilst drunk and it became infected. It’s called […]