What Not To Do When Drunk No. 3897.5

March 4, 2009 – 2:01 pm

When indie celebrities go mental at the NME Awards do not accept their invitation to party.

This will continue for four full days and nights and involve visits to salubrious clubs, pubs and brothels in the heart of seedy Soho and oh sooo trendy Hoxton. Partying for such lengths of time is so exhausting you have to imbibe and enjoy more of the special white dust and lashings of the xtra strong booze.

Famous faces flash by in a blurry furry haze and you suddenly realise you are being sick on Robert Smith’s oversized white trainers whilst drinking a pink cocktail through a straw stuck up your nose.

You will take a wee on the White Lies, make Alex Kapranos cry by saying he sounds like Cliff Richard and try to snog that singer out of The Ting Tings – you know, what’s her name? You will also spend an hour pretending to be Purdy out of The New Avengers whilst a bemused MGMT look on.

You know you have reached the definitive time to stop and go home when you loudly boo U2 as they play on the roof of BBC Centre, bottle of Jack Daniels in hand and trousers around ankles.

This extra partying time is all well and good but at some point you need to go back to work and face the ‘absence without leave’ death march.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Drinking, London, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (3)

Give Me The Cure

February 26, 2009 – 2:46 pm

Wow, celebrities man, they are flipping maniac monsters dude. I thought I was a wild and crazy kind of guy but the unruly activities of various band members and singers last night pushed my drunken behaviour into irrelevance.

The Shockwaves NME Awards 2009 culminated in the throwing of burgers, beer and Champaign and this kind of silliness is totally unacceptable. My lovely skimpy shiny frock and killer heels were covered in grease, tomato source, Carling and red wine. Total debauchery.

On a positive note I have to say that The Cure were great. They played for a full 40 minutes and wheeled out all the old hits. The audience arose from their damaged chairs to give them a standing ovation. I just gave them the clap. Franz Ferdinand were brilliant also, but then they always are.

When Oasis won the award for Best British Band, or some such, there was deafening and prolonged booing from both invited guests and punters. This surprises me because I really like their new album, especially ‘The Shock of the Lightening’ with its repeated Indian chant of “Alin-ga-time”.
I am disappointed with myself though. I acted out of character by being a well behaved superstar, rather than a drunken attention grabbing diva bitch. Other minor members of the modern rock and indie combos were on their backs on the tables, trousers round ankles, having Champaign poured into their mouths by The Saturdays, legs akimbo and gusset in mouth.

I sat quietly at my table listening to the rest of The Donovans of Trash complain how rubbish modern new fangled music is and how ill behaved the youth of today have become. It was not like this in their day; award events were civilized dinner jacketed affairs with buckets of amphetamine and red wine followed by a quick shuffle with a model.

I did not win any extended middle finger trophies but then neither did Glasvegas. I did however leave with my dignity intact, oh and my shoes, underpants and teeth – unlike last time.

If anybody is off to see The Cure, Franz Ferdinand, Crystal Castles and White Lies tonight at the O2 Arena then I will see you at the bar.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Culture, Drinking, Friends, Idiots, London, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (4)

Enemy Awards

February 25, 2009 – 2:24 pm

Tonight I shall be heading off to Brixton Academy to attend the Shockwaves NME Awards 2009, the glamorous indie gift giving, drinking and debauchery celebration. Will I see you there? I sure hope so. I still have not decided on my outfit but I can assure you it will be overblown, outrageous, glamorous non-wearable and totally unacceptable.

I am planning on imbibing copious amount of free balmy fluid. This could easily lead to my dancing topless on the Kings of Leon’s table before I urinate on Matt Bellamy’s shoes – let’s face it, he deserves it with his little face and silly guitar. Check the gutter press tomorrow to see paparazzi snaps of me lying in a gutter, dress up over my head and Liam Gallagher gobbing on me.

My good friend Vanny is going to be in attendance - high above on the guest’s balcony. She is so excited about seeing The Cure that she had a special wet moment during my rendition of Boys Don’t Cry.

The 2009 nominations include:

Best British Band supported by Sockwaves
• Donovans of Trash
• Enormous
• The Lost Shadow Poppets
• NOasis
• Le Radioheads

Best International Band supported by all4music
• Crystal Cattles
• The Killer Killers
• Kings Of Leroy
• MGMT
• Vampires Weekender

Best Solo Artist
• Ladyhawker
• Laura Merlin
• Light Speeding Champion
• Nelson Galaxy

Best New Band supported by Branch
• Donovans of Trash
• Enormous
• GlasgoVegas
• Late Of The Prom
• Vampires Weekender
• White Tights

Best Live Band supported by Red Strips
• Enormous
• The Killer Killers
• Kings Of Leroy
• Nelson Galaxy and the Donovans of Trash
• Le Radioheads

Best Album supported by HMV
• Enormous – Lust and Loathing at the Tender Heart
• GlasgoVegas – GlasgoVegas
• The Killer Killers – Day & Rape
• Kings Of Leroy – Only Buy The Nighty
• Nelson Galaxy and the Donovans of Trash – Idiot Fever

Best Track supported by NME Radio1
• Enormous – “The Girl Who Turned Into Herself”
• Kings Of Leroy – “Sex On Legs”
• The Lost Shadow Poppets – “The Age Of The Misunderstanding”
• MGMT – “Time To Pretend You’re Dead”
• Nelson Galaxy and the Donovans of Trash – “Making an Effort”
• The Tingle Tings – “That’s Not My Name, I Think”
• Vampires Weekender – “A-Plonker”

Best TV Show
• Crap-a-Doodle-Do
• Gavin & Lacy
• The SHIT Crowd
• The Mighty Blush Up
• Never You Mind The Buzzcocks Sonny

Best Film
• The Dark Kira Knightly
• Lucky Lacy Lady
• Question Of Sport
• Twatlight
• Wall-Y

Best DVD
• Kaizer Chefs – Alive in a Hot Kitchen
• Mouse – HAARP Player
• Shits – Live Shits
• Snow Monkeys – On The Apollo 13

Hero Of The Year
• Ballacks Obama Bin Laden
• Brendon Flower
• Napoleon Fantastic
• Nelson Galaxy

Villain Of The Year
• Army Warehouse
• Bob Hoggett
• George Bush
• Pete Doherty

Best Dressed
• Alexei Chong
• Brendon Flower
• Nelson Galaxy
• Noel Fields

Worst Dressed
• Army Warehouse
• Brendon Flower
• Jonty Burrell
• Napoleon Fantastic

Sexiest Male
• Carl Balzac
• Keith
• Napoleon Fantastic
• Nelson Galaxy

Sexiest Female
• Alison Moshhart
• Kate Adie
• Lucky Lee
• Nelson Galaxy

Best Website
• EnormousReloaded.com
• Misplace
• NapoleonFantastic.com
• NelsonGalaxy.com
• YouTub

Godlike Genius Award - The Cure

Yeah, alright I took some liberties but never you mind about that, my spell check may be playing up too.

Just wait, next year I’ll be coming in your ears . . . . literally.
 

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Culture, Drinking, Music, Napoleon Fantastic | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (3)

Bumbag Millionaire

February 23, 2009 – 2:12 pm

The main event of the last 24 hours was the 81st Academy Awards. Notable winners include Sean Penn, Heath Ledger, Penelope Cruz and Kate Winslet (with the whistling dad). The majority of statuettes were awarded to British/Indian production Slumdog Millionaire, including Best Film and Best Director.

I met Danny Boyle years ago. He seemed like a very nice and affable fella with long finger nails, stained trousers and odd shoes. He asked me if I wanted to star as one of his red-eyed running infected people (or zombies) in 28 Days Later. I would usually jump at the chance to play a flesh-eating crazy man but I was off for a cheap holiday in Afghanistan the week of filming so I had to decline.

I have mixed feelings about Boyle’s victory. On the one hand, it is great to see a Brit win Best Director and Slumdog is supposed to be a very good fable – I haven’t seen it yet. I also admire Danny’s genre-jumping choice of movies. On the other hand, I feel that I have been let down by Boyle one too many times.

Boyle is a great director who has made some brilliant films. However, as I am enjoying one of his movies he will always fail me in the final act. These silly, ridiculous endings negate the rest of a very good film.

Let’s look at the evidence:

Sunshine should have been one of the greatest intelligent SF movies. However, the introduction of a silly monster in the final third leads to lots of running around and non-sensicle plotting.

28 Days Later could have been one of the best horror/zombie shockers – last third is really silly where the protagonist acts out of character and runs around a lot, killing in his underpants (the DVD has an alternative ending where he turns into a chicken – this is true).

Shallow Grave – a brave psychological thriller ends with Eccleston acting out of character and running around a lot. Trainspotting – Renton betrays his mates, goes to London and runs around a lot.

At present I am unaware of any final act betrayals in Slumdog – maybe Boyle has learnt his lesson and made a great film. If so, please go back to SF and horror and make a masterpiece.

Unfortunately, an Oscar win does not guarantee a great film and why does it always appear that the films in consideration by the Academy have only come out in the last couple of weeks? Oscar oddity.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Film | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (0)

Bang Bang

February 21, 2009 – 4:46 pm

Whey hey girlfriends and the rest. Sorry I didn’t see you all at the Brits but Brandon Flowers wanted to see this pic - What can I do? Love you all xxx

One for the Brits

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Art, Drinking, Friends, Music, Transvestism | Tagged , , , | Comments (0)

Mobile World

February 20, 2009 – 2:22 pm

I have recently returned from the Mobile World Congress in Barcelona. I had a fun time in the Spanish capital and took a sneaky peek at all the new mobile communication devices on show and lots more bling, init.

I managed to drink a lot of free technical booze and rub shoulders with many strange bespectacled tech geeks, with gravy and toothpaste on their jumpers. I dropped and broke a Nokia N86 8MP - now that’s a nice bit of kit . . . . broken kit.

I was offered the chance to shake hands with Black Eyed Peas front man, writer and producer, will.i.am, or William to his friends. However, I called him William 1 a.m. and he pocked me in the chest before snorting some white powder from a machete blade and licking spilt Champaign from a lady’s silicon boobies. What a scamp.

I was planning a return to London for the Brit Awards - my good friends Florence and the Lady GaGa were performing to the moneyed celebrity A, B and C listers. Instead I got embroiled with a gang of sword wielding conquistadors who escorted me to some of the more salubrious parts of Barcelona. I nearly drowned in a swimming pool full of Sangria, was pelted with ripe tomatoes and narrowly missed being skewered by a bull; at least I think it was a bull.

I will try to make up for my absence at the NME awards. MGMT have offered me a place at their table but I will stick with the Donovans of Trash boys – they always look after me when I get too drunk, and I always do. I’d better have a think about my outfit. The alien tube driver lesbian look maybe?

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Drinking, Friends, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (4)

Cobbles

February 19, 2009 – 1:54 pm

I have recently discovered that my block of flats, and much of the surrounding area, is now an official conservation zone. It was my opinion that my little part of East London was in severe physical, economic and humanistic decline but it appears that the Mile End Road part of Stepney is quite a desired habitation domain.

So, as I daily negotiate the gangs of youths, spitters, tramps, the mental man with the baseball bat, drunks, students, drunken students, human excrement and Pete Doherty, I will remember that this is an exclusive postcode of Britain’s capital city.

Actually, Hayfield Passage is only one of five remaining cobbled streets in the whole of London. Sounds nice but it plays havoc with your ankles when wearing six inch heels.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Culture, London | Tagged , , , , , | Comments (4)

Napoleon Time

February 15, 2009 – 3:00 pm

I give out my heartfelt and brotherly love to the one and only Napoleon “Davy Lawrence” Fantastic. It’s his birthday. I have to offer a bit of sympathy - the poor man is in his mid-30s. Oh well, it happens to us all.

Happy Birthday Bro xxx

Davy Birthday

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (3)

Valentine Time

February 14, 2009 – 3:00 pm

I am consumed by love and good feeling. Thank you all for your amazing sexy and loving messages - they are appreciated and will be reciprocated. Kissy Kissy.

This very evening I shall be waiting with door open and legs akimbo for a sexy visitation.

Here’s a special treat of sexy Nelson - look, no top and a major nose he he. Happy Valentine xxxx

Valentine Nelson

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Friends, Transvestism | Tagged , | Comments (2)

French Toast

February 13, 2009 – 2:22 pm

There is an advert jingle on Sky News which plays continuously throughout the day. Because the television is placed next to my left ear I hear this jingle multiple times. It is quite catchy and I have been singing along. The ditty is now implanted within my bonce.

The tune is connected with a Sky News show starring political argumentator Jeff Randall, or something. There is a montage featuring Randall looking stern and walking around the exterior of the House of Commons, saying something like, “I’d rather be dead than be a politician,” whilst pointing at a lamppost. However, this does not interest me because it is the jingle jangle that counts.

This is what I have been singing every time the ad appears:

French toast,
Yum,
That’s what is in your pocket.

French toast,
Yum,
That’s what is in your pocket.

Genius, a song about French toast being handily placed in one’s pocket – just in case of toast denial based emergencies. I wish to partake in this practise, where do I sign up? Oh dear, I am not sure what French toast actually is. Is it that hard crispy square dry stuff (easy on the pocket) or is it bread fried in eggy, cheesy mixture (soggy pocket)?

Upon closer listening I was mightily disappointed to discover the actual words:

Keep your friends close,
And your enemies in your pocket.

This makes less sense than putting toast in one’s pocket. Why would a person wish their enemy to be in their pockets? What if it was the trouser pocket? I for one would not wish my enemies to be that close to my Timmy Tiddler. French toast on the other hand, maybe.

Oh yeah, happy Friday the 13th, try not to fall under a bus or in a man.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Culture, Music, Television | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments (4)