I Do Not Believe It

August 7, 2008 – 1:45 pm

********** SPOILER ALERT / SPOILER ALERT / SPOILER ALERT **********

Everything was in place; an eager fan base who have been waiting for six years, returning characters who really wanted to reprise their roles, a director/writer who knew what he was doing because he created the characters and a proper film budget. So why does The X-Files: I Want to Believe fail so badly?

Women are being abducted in the hills of Virginia and the only clues to their disappearances are human remains that are turning up by the side of the highway. The FBI are at a loss and call in a priest who claims to be psychic but is also a convicted paedophile. Former X-Files investigators Dr. Dana Scully and Fox Mulder are bought on board to help find the answers. They are unwilling to visit their dark past but Mulder’s persistence uncovers a bizarre secret medical experiment.

Does this plot sounds like an exciting cinematic adventure in the alien conspiracy world of the X-Files, or does it sound like an average television episode? The first movie was brilliant, with aliens, cavemen, conspiracy, spaceships, bombs, shootings and Martin Landau – it was big and bold and exciting. Not this new outing – it is average, spectacularly so.

Both the central characters have changed radically and the ‘will-they-won’t-they’ aspect has been removed. It feels as if the emotional heart of the X-Files has been cut out in an illegal transplant theft. Scully’s sweet-sickly patient is just embarrassing. The whole thing just feels like it has missed its chance by not coming back sooner and by being such a low key affair.

That is not to say it is a bad film, it works as a good police/serial killer drama. The chilly, snowbound setting is ideal, even if it is obviously Canada. The film has some great moments; Mulder’s humour, the chase on the construction site, Skinner, Scully’s reaction to a known paedophile and Mulder’s beard (what is it with Duchovny’s face? He looks like he’s wearing a Mulder mask – really odd).

There is plenty in there for proper X-o-philes; the reuse of local Canadian actors that had appeared in the television series, the Nutter feed store, Mulder’s mobile phone address book and his wall of cuttings and Chris Carter’s cameo. When Mulder and Scully enter FBI Headquarters, they stop in front of a picture of President Bush, as they look at it the X-Files theme plays - spooky.

This film tanked in the US and there were only three other people in the cinema with me so this pretty much means the end of Mulder and Scully. Maybe they should investigate how they go killed by something so mundane.

“Don’t give up.”

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Film | Tagged , , | Comments (4)

The Light Shines Out of Me

August 6, 2008 – 12:59 pm

I had a rather unpleasant pain experience whilst evacuating myself this morn. No, not like that. I was sat on the toilet, reading the NME, dreading the coming working day and contemplating how fusion power could revolutionise energy production, when I heard an ominous sound. This time it was not my bowels but was emanating from above. There was a ripping, cracking noise and then something smashed into my skull.

The light socket had unexpectedly taken the bold move of detaching itself from the ceiling and falling. Its bid for freedom coincided with my treasured toilet time. Maybe it was just lonely. The glass and metal fixture split into pieces as it hit me on the head, the light bulb shattering. The bathroom went dark.

As I recovered and cleared the rubble and plaster from my hair I noticed a big bloody gash on my head. It could have been worse, the whole ceiling could have fallen, or even the whole sky. Leaving for work a bird took a poo on me.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Work | Tagged , , | Comments (2)

Tasers Not Lasers

August 5, 2008 – 1:39 pm

New figures released today by the Home Office show that Taser use is on the increase. The devices were used 159 times and discharged 26 times in the last three months. Since the Taser was first introduced in England and Wales in April 2004 they have been used 2,662 times.

These figures only account for use by authorised police officers.

My Taser fun has been discounted because I do not belong to one of the ten police forces taking part in the Home Office trial. I love to wander the streets of Olde London Town with my Taser drawn, aimed, red-dotted, arced, drive-stunned and discharged. I laugh manically as the scum of Whitechapel run in fear of my crackling intruder, the whites of their eyes visible through their madness masks.

I love my Taser.

It is so much more mobile that the laser rifle I used to carry around. This drew too much attention due to being so bulky. I had to support it in a little wheel barrow. I now have the laser positioned and pinioned in my living room window, fully charged and just waiting to be let off. Mmmm lasers.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Idiots, London | Tagged , , , , | Comments (2)

The Attractive Waitress Ploy

August 4, 2008 – 1:43 pm

I have noticed that an increasing number of bars and pubs in the capital are employing exceedingly attractive waitresses to offer table service. These are mainly ladies of the foreign variety. I am all for this – it’s brilliant to see such glamour on a Monday afternoon.

I fall into their trap though. One after another they saunter up to me, all legs and hair, glossily pouting and giving me a sexy dark-eyed wink. In a barely understandable eastern European breathy accent they ask if I would like another drink. What can I do? I have to say yes because they may want to marry me; they are just biding their time to pop-the-question.

Hours later I am rather drunk and ask for my bill. It is very expensive, too expensive. I drunkenly ask one of the lovelies what these extras charges are. I am told it is because of the waitress service. They were not flirting they were after money. When a very beautiful girl asks if you would like a drink just say “no”.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Drinking, London, Loneliness | Tagged , , , | Comments (2)

I Want to Believe

August 1, 2008 – 9:48 am

I was stopped in my tracks again on my morning walk a few days ago. As I was passing the Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel a man pounced from the entrance door steps. He did a crazy star jump and landed directly in front of me, legs akimbo and arms skywards. He had on a fluorescent yellow baseball cap, baggy jeans and a New York t-shirt, odd considering he appeared to be aged around sixty. He was tall, stooping slightly with his arms dangling awkwardly in front of him and his legs were bowed.

“Nelson?” he shouted amiably as he attempted to hug me. I backed away from his grabbing fists and asked how he knew me. “It’s me Nelson, Napoleon’s bessy mate, ya know . . . me . . . Reg.”

“Reg? Oh, Reg.” My sudden recognition led to an unexpected intake of breath, whereupon I swallowed a fly. Reg thumped me on the back as I tried to cough up the bacteria laden insect.

“I know you always walk down this road so I thought I’d surprise you.”
“You certainly did that Reg, I nearly choked to death on insect life.”
“I have come to visit you old boy, I thought we could party like it’s 1999 and meet some lovely ladies in the more salubrious fleshspots of old London Town.”

The thought of partying with this sixty year old hip-hop attired stranger made me shiver in the hot sunshine. Reg went on to explain that he was in London for the premier of the new X Files movie. He had accidentally arrived a day early and needed somewhere to stay.

“You were the first person I thought of good buddy. We will have a great time.”
“It is a bit difficult I’m afraid Reg. I really do not have any room in my flat and the painters and decorators are in, oh and I’m moving . . . probably. Look Reg, I am just so very busy. I’m sorry.”
“No problem Nel, I know where David Duchovny is staying, or I may give Gillian Anderson a call. I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Quietly whistling the X Files theme tune he slowly made his way to Whitechapel tube station, his head was lowered and legs bowed. He made me think of giant apes. It seemed obvious that he was lying but there was the slight chance he did know these stars and was off to enjoy some kind of glamorous post-screening paranormal party. I wanted to believe.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Film, London, Napoleon Fantastic | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments (3)

A Knight Darkly

July 31, 2008 – 1:33 pm

I visited my local Genesis Cinema last night to view The Dark Knight. I was asked by Pip to sum the film up in four words without giving any of the plot away – he’s off to see it himself you see. This is what I said: “Very good and yet . . .”

It is a very good film. It is an ideas laded movie and to see Hollywood spend millions of dollars on this type of intelligent film-making is brilliant. It has broken box office records in the UK and US, proving that the movie-going public are more intelligent and savvy than money-led studios and producers give them credit for. It sticks to its principles throughout and does not descend into Transformers territory two thirds of the way through, like Ironman.

This is an ensemble piece and the acting is impeccable. There has been a lot of talk about Heath Ledger’s performance, which is outstanding but gruesome when you realise you are watching a dead man on screen. He plays the Joker as a total psychopath who is in it for fun, not money or need for criminality. He has something to prove about the dark side of human nature and parades his victims in a YouTube voyeuristic way. This is no Jack Nicholson-type clown.

However, the best performance of the piece has to go to Gary Oldman, who plays Gordon in a very understated way, a man who is often overlooked as other characters take centre stage.

The film looks amazing with great cinematography and custom built sets, any digital effects are seamless. It is a very adult film with some particularly nasty moments. These could have gone much further, especially the knife to face moments, but with a 12A rating there has to be a limit. This is Bob Kane-era comic book territory.

The major theme is the fight between light and dark. Batman and the Joker are total opposites but inhabit the same world, one cannot exist without the other. It is like the political spectrum where extreme socialism and extreme fascism are totally different ideologies but in practice are nearly the same. In the middle of this is Harvey Dent, a good guy who could make Batman, the vigilante crime fighter, redundant by using legitimate means. The Joker wants to show how a good man can turn bad. Dent is the emotional core of the film and as he is ripped apart by these opposing forces his downfall is heart-wrenching.

But why the “and yet” moment? This is a film to be admired rather than loved. The ideas-centric themes lead to an emotional detachment, leaving the film feeling rather cold. In this ensemble cast Batman is often overlooked in favour of the Joker and Harvey Dent and at times looks too vulnerable. The bat voice is just ridiculous. There are too many moral dilemmas, with a whole set-piece involving two ferries feeling redundant. The film is too long and Christopher Nolan should have trimmed extensively – this could have been a brilliantly lean and dark action spectacular.

I apologise for finding fault with a blockbuster that is so dark and intellectual and I really do advise you to go and see it because it is a great film, and yet . . .

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Film, Pip | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Comments (2)

Beer Gravy

July 29, 2008 – 12:29 pm

The crazies were out in force this morning. The filthy, smelly, spit-covered Whitechapel streets were being patrolled by the mental and the drunk. It is often frightening. There were tribes of disgusting, ugly men and women sprawled all over the pavements, lying in their own sick and screaming at the world.

There is one particularly unpleasant little chap. He has been around the homeless missions of Whitechapel for years and is recognisable by his appearance – he is a filthy tiny midget. As he saw me walking past the steps to the Royal London Hospital he gave chase, his little legs trying to match my massive stride.

I smelt him before I felt him tugging at my trousers. The stench of human excrement was overwhelming. He is one of the filthiest people I have ever seen, his face was black and maggots were crawling in his hair. His cut-off trousers were covered in brown human gunk and the stains of urine and sick were evident on his jacket.

He took a swig from his over strong gravy beer and aggressively demanded money and cigarettes. I was worried that his head was at the same level as my crotch, this could go very wrong. I apologised that I had no such items while trying to remove his grip without touching his hand. He spat on my shoe. I may have lurgee.

A few seconds later I passed a very attractive lady, wearing a smart City suit and carrying a lap top. She too was drinking the over strong gravy beer. Whitechapel will do that to you.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Culture, Drinking, Idiots, London | Tagged , , , , | Comments (3)

The Heat is On

July 28, 2008 – 11:41 am

Cor blimey it’s hot. It really is. It’s a piece-a-hot hot hot. The intense heat makes a number of simple activities extremely difficult. Sleeping is a near impossible affair. The night is spent tossing, turning and sweating, having vivid nightmares about exams and only managing thirty minutes of shut eye.

Walking - the infamous nutters of Olde Whitechapel Town stream out or their crack dens onto the sick covered streets to enjoy the warm weather, clogging up the pavements and trying to get in my way. Other pedestrians, especially the City types, stroll at angles rather than walking in a straight line. I have difficulty breathing in the carbon dioxide cloud that descends over London. I arrive at the office drenched in sweat, angry and exhausted.

I’ll tell you what is a really bad idea when the temperature rises to the mid 30s - is dress up as a lady. Slap on loads of make-up and watch it melt. Put on a wig and rapidly overheat - it’s like wearing a big woolly hat. Like the Wicked Witch of the West you will melt. It’s best just to go naked baby.

I’m melting, I’m melting.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Idiots, London, Transvestism | Tagged , , , , | Comments (2)

Despicable Deception

July 25, 2008 – 12:21 pm

Canoe death scam couple, John and Anne Darwin, have been jailed for more than six years and have had their assets frozen in an attempt to recover £250,000 they conned out of insurance firms. It was deception on a grand scale. I too have been party to a despicable deception.

I once met a tall, blonde, beautiful supermodel called Sakulia. She was amazing, with legs to the ceiling and the face of an angel. She needed a place to stay so I took her in and we became a couple. I provided her shelter, food, clothes and spending money. We were great together, gallivanting around that London, two beautiful glamorous creatures of the night. Celebrities and the beautiful ones bowed at our feet and worshipped at our temple of love.

She was strange though. Oh so very odd. Something was definitely not quite right about her and I don’t just mean her teeth. After being together for six months she admitted her deep dark secret - she was not human. She originally came from the planet Finnlaskia, a dying world with a dwindling water supply. She was here to make some money, using her looks and musical acumen to find a way of saving her home world.

Sakulia told me how she had hoped I would provide her a monetary fortune to develop technology to transport water from the earth into the Andromeda sector. However, she rapidly discovered that the meagre savings I had were not enough for such an ambitious venture.

After she had cleared out my bank account she moved away to find a more profitable partner, her dream of being a philanthropic saviour still intact. However, the last I heard was that she was unhappily living the life of a housewife and mother with a very rich abusive City working husband. She was slowly drinking herself into oblivion. The lure of money had corrupted her in a very human way.

Women eh? Can’t live with ‘em and you don’t even know if they are human.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Drinking, Loneliness | Tagged , , , , , | Comments (5)

Bale on Bail

July 23, 2008 – 1:12 pm

Celebrity method actor and Batman star Christian Bale has been bailed by police following his arrest over allegations he assaulted his mother and sister. The Welsh born actor denies the allegations, which supposedly took place in a suite at London’s Dorchester Hotel on Sunday.

Bale was in London to promote the latest instalment of the Batman franchise ‘The Dark Knight’. I am looking forward to seeing this as I thoroughly enjoyed ‘Batman Begins’, a film that raised the bar on superhero movies. I will be paying a visit to the Genesis Cinema on Mile End Road to see it next week.

Bale is a strange man and takes his method to extremes. Anyone who has seen ‘The Machinist’ can see to what extent he takes his transformation in the name of acting. In Spielberg’s ‘Empire of the Sun’ he even makes himself look like a little boy – quite amazing.

I like Bale, not only do I think he is a very good actor I also think he is totally bonkers, a positive trait in any celebrity. In interviews, and even in person, Bale will change his voice, accent and persona, to ascertain that he remains in character.

There is little of the real Bale on show and I believe this may be the reason for his recent arrest. Bale has been filming the latest part to the Terminator franchise. In ‘Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins’ Bale plays the 2018 incarnation of John Connor, the man fated to lead the human resistance against Skynet and its army of Terminators.

Bale’s alleged recent family ruckus was just a symptom of his method. His actor’s brain led him to believe his mother and sister to be Terminators from the future, sent to destroy the saviour of humanity and annihilate mankind. Fair enough if you ask me, I think the same thing when I visit my family. Bloody Terminators, they get flipping everywhere.

By Nelson Galaxy | Posted in Family, Film, London | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (2)