Nelson Galaxy

At the recent NME Awards shindig after show party I had an unusual experience in a toilet with Oasis singer and celebrity spitter Liam Gallagher. I was busily checking my make-up in the urinal mirror, discussing the joy of lipstick with The Cure’s Robert Smith, when there was a fracas and excitable activity in the entrance.

I could hear someone shouting, “Oooo’s ‘avin’ it?” Looking around I noticed the gesticulating, attitude-laden, dark glasses adorned, foul-mouthed singer of dad rock outfit Oasis. Various sullen black-clad members of White Lies and Glasvegas rapidly scurried out, all eyes to the floor and shuffling black brogues. Robert Smith made a high pitched squeal and bounded out on his oversized white trainers.

Liam sauntered up to the mirror. He stood very still, nonchalantly chewing gum, looking like a cowboy ready for a gunfight. His legs were slightly akimbo and thumbs were in pockets. His hands appeared to be poised on holsters, ready to reach for his revolvers. Swaying slightly he looked like a man who had ridden his horse a little too vigorously.

“Owright, Nelson?” I felt intimidated, frightened about the possible confrontation from this testosterone fuelled bully. I did not move, a bead of sweat appeared on my top lip.

Then Liam’s attitude totally changed, as though he had discarded a well worn robe. He relaxed, slumping his shoulders and leaning against the sink. As he removed his sunglasses I noticed he looked tired and old. “You know something, Nelson?” His voice had changed, this non-descript home counties accent had lost all of its attitude and bravado and held a hint of exhausted knowledge.

Our eyes met. Liam had the heavily bloodshot eyeballs of a desperate, drowning man. He slowly and deliberately said, “God defend me from my friends, from my enemies I can defend myself.”

With that he again straightened his back, replaced his glasses, began rapidly chewing his gum and regained his cocky stance. He slapped me fraternally on the back. “Ur owright u Nel.” He left.

Shakily I locked myself in a cubicle and did the business.