Nelson Galaxy

It is the corporate Christmas Party tonight. “But it is February,” I hear you protest. That’s right. The company, in its ongoing efforts to penny pinch, is to engage in its festive activities during the cheapest and most depressing of months. There will be free beer for half an hour and some complimentary chips and greasy chicken knuckles.

Hey guess what? Young Nelson is not looking forward to this corporate shindig. There is a dress code – no jeans and no trainers. Therefore, I am wearing jeans and trainers in an effort to be turned away at the door, like a scruffy mongrel trying to gain access to the Ritz. If I am granted entry to this exclusive drink dungeon I can guess what will happen.

Hey, you know me. I will get too drunk too quickly, say the wrong thing, run away, fall over onto my eye socket and end up in hospital on a drip. It happened last year and the year before, but that’s a different story.

In an attempt to add a creamy slice of ‘F.U.N.’ the Entertainment Committee has decreed there will be a jolly karaoke contest. Contestants stand to win a wonderful company logo embossed mug or even a punch in the knackers. I know which I’d prefer . . . . knackers.

It appears that this crooning invite has gone unheeded and voluntary involvement has been minimal, if not non-existent. The Powers That Be have now decided to forcefully and indiscriminately nominate candidates of their choice.

What is my stance on karaoke? As a professional singer I think I could do it. However, corporate karaoke is not about talent or art – it is about humiliation. The audience is baying for failure, especially your failure. There will not be any monitors, the microphone will be an amateurish too-loud shouting stick and you are likely to lose to some suited sales muppet who sings a Beatles song in an unbelievably tiny tinny midget’s voice.

Your humiliation is guaranteed and all enjoyment will be sucked out into the vacuum of disappointment and shame. However, there is free beer so I have to go don’t I? 

Embarrassingly I have edged my bets and chosen a handful of tunes to sing and even practised them in the comfort of my own private studio. At a push, and at gunpoint, I would either sing The Cure’s ‘Boys Don’t Cry’, Buzzcocks’ ‘Ever Fallen In Love?’ or ‘Teenage Kicks’ by The Undertones.

What would you sing?