Nelson Galaxy

I am happy to announce that the unpleasant events of Friday evening were in no way my fault. After talking to a few people in the office it turns out that the person who threatened me has a reputation for being a sex predator. This is great news because I am now exonerated of any blame.

Eyewitnesses tell me that my actions were of a chivalrous nature. The pest was sat next to a girl and he was grabbing her, stroking her leg and putting his arm around her, trying to pull her to him. He was forcibly trying to bite her face and stroke her hair.

My drunken mind was able to deduce that the situation was becoming rather unpleasant. I enquired if the young lady was alright and if assistance was required. She looked at me, eyes full of horror and on the brink of tears. This was the point at which the pest began his tirade against me.

One witness described the event, “He was being a total d**k. Nelson, you did the right thing to intervene. He has tried to force himself onto nearly every woman in the company. This is why he has been asked to leave. He is a total w****r.”

So I am exonerated. I think I know what his problem is and I can now only feel sorry for him. He has a massive chip on his shoulder due to being so very ugly. I mean really ugly. Oh boy, ugly ugly ugly. He wrote the book on ugly. The Elephant Man has more chance of being a model in GQ Magazine than he has. This Frankenstein-faced man is now so bitter he tries to grab every woman he meets and attacks any man who tries to intervene.

Now get back in your little hole, you pig-dog disaster-faced monster.