Nelson Galaxy

Why do I find it intrinsically hilarious when I see fat people fall over? It is side-splitting. I am giggling now just thinking about it. Whenever I feel a bit down in the dumps I just think of obese people slipping onto their bottoms in a variety of ridiculous ways. It is a comedy basic, like slapstick violence or a man in a dress. (”You always make me laugh when you are in a dress,” comedy Ed.)

I was immensely gratified to witness the falling over of a whole family of fatties last night. There had been a jam spill on the pavement, at least I think it was jam, which most pedestrians were expertly avoiding. The sticky slippery viscous fruity preserve was illuminated in the spring sunshine but it was all too much for a certain tribe of enormo people.

They were dressed in matching Chelsea shirts, their red blotchy arms bulging out of the little sleeves. The desire to eat was palpable in their eyes. Selfishly they dominated the entire causeway, the only way around was via the busy road, a dice with death adventure one would prefer not to experience.

The first to encounter jam was the child, a scruffy huge beast of a thing. His porky eyes had no view of the ground over his extended stomach sack. Podgy shoe met fruit conserve and over he went. The ground shook. He expelled a loud trump. His mother and father did not notice he was writhing on the ground and seconds later they met the jam and were deposited awkwardly on the pavement.

Rather than attempting to stand they just writhed around. The sight was spectacular and I could not help laughing, a joyous emotion shared by the people around me. Before long the whole of Whitechapel High Road was guffawing in harmony at the sight of fatties in strife.

There were no kind souls willing to extend their arm in charitable assistance. I certainly was not prepared to have my arm ripped out of its socket by a blubbery twenty stone mass. After more rolling I realised the fat family were actually enjoying themselves. They too had inhaled the general high spirits and were giggling merrily. I noticed that the child had begun to lick the jam off the concrete. His mouth was covered in red gooey mess, with a bit of brown mixed in.

“Someone’s enjoying themselves,” I cheeringly said to a very pretty lady who was stood next to me, laughing loudly.
“F**k off weirdo!” she shouted.

I risked the road and strode home as quickly as possible. No more full of the joys of spring.

On the Nelson hi-fi today:
The Fall – Hex Enduction Hour.