Nelson Galaxy

I saw a tribe of moneys in central London yesterday. I admit that I often have a little difficulty discerning most humans from base primates but these were the real thing. (‘The Bass Primates – great name for a band’ – funked-up Ed.)

They were clinging to the side of the Unilever building near Blackfriars Bridge. The tribe had travelled from the rain forest to support Greenpeace and its campaign against the use of forest extracted palm oil in Unilever made beauty product Dove.

The orangutans were happily playing, grooming and squealing all along the building’s balcony, laughing and tickling each other. Monkey talk could be heard over on Ludgate Hill and in Fleet Street, making the concrete jungle feel like a balmy rain forest. They even had a disco, playing music by The Monkees, Simian, Arctic Monkeys and Gorillaz. Why, who else would monkeys listen to?

They must have been mischievous monkeys because there were a riot squad of police in the area, truncheons at the ready. These panda coloured officers were obviously here to prevent the apes from running into the road and harming themselves or pinching a pensioner’s purse thinking it was dinner. One silly monkey had managed to handcuff themselves to the railing. What a silly monkey.

I do not understand the fuss myself, why shouldn’t these apes be allowed to use soap or deodorant. A nice smelling monkey is a happy monkey. After toiletries, why not give them access to cosmetics too? A sexy monkey is a popular monkey.

(Yeah, I know orangutans belong to the ape family but they are often referred to as monkeys, so there.)

Sorry, just to be serious for a second. The destruction of the rain forest to collect palm oil for westerners’ pampering products is threatening the orangutan’s natural habitat. This is despicable and should be stopped immediately. I fully support Greenpeace in their protests. Bit of politics there for you.