Somebody left a whole packet of custard creams near my work desk with a note attached inviting all and sundry to take one. I have just finished off the majority of the packet. I feel both sick and guilty. I do like a biscuit, especially of the custard cream variety and find myself consuming one after the other.
I do not however, have the kind of botheration with biscuits that Pip has. He possesses an unhealthy obsession and his cravings are the stuff of legend. Some people are addicted to chocolate, some to alcohol, some to badgers or sex, or both. Pip is addicted to biscuits.
Whisper the word near him and he begins to salivate, becoming exceedingly excited and out of breath, darting his eyes hither and thither for a glimpse of some sweet crumbly confectionary. If he was a dog he would be wildly wagging his tale, maybe he does anyway.
He can shave off two whole packets in moments and then takes a real pride in picking the crumbs out of his keyboard to enjoy later. I know his favourite is a fig role but he can put his hand to any variety.
His obsession reached dangerous levels when he attempted to set up his own company. He put a lot of time and money into this enterprise by setting up a website, registering his company and went as far as sending out a press release.
This received coverage in the Mail on Sunday, which included a photograph of him dunking a chocolate digestive and gurning insanely, wild eyed and massively side burned. The reporter treated it as a joke but Pip was deadly serious.
This one-man company was called BiscuitMatchUp(R). For a small fee members of the public could subscribe to the website. They were invited to entreat their biscuit related inquiries. Pip’s intention was to ‘match up’ the perfect biscuit for specific circumstances.
Want to know the perfect biscuit for dunking? Pip’s your man. Which biscuit goes best with whiskey? Ask Pip. Romantic biscuits? Pip’ll know. Biscuits for Funerals? You know whom to call. Revitalising stale biscuits? Pip on. Removing weevils from a shortbread? Pip is the expert.
Whoever you are, wherever you are and whatever you are doing Pip will be able to inform you of the most suitable biscuit for your needs. Now that’s biscuit loving.
Oh, BiscuitMatchUp(R) disappeared without a trace. Shame. That’s really taking the biscuit.
3 Comments
Just say this to Pip and watch his reaction: Chocolate Hobnobs.
Mmmm, say Crunch Creams as well, and Boasters. Mmmmm, Boasters.
You two know a lot more about biscuits than me. Maybe you should set up your own snack based website.