I would like the opportunity to wholeheartedly thank the gracious individual who took a dump upon my front step. What a wondrous feeling it was to exit my front door on a beautiful winter’s morning to step, slap dab, into human excrement. Oh, the joy I felt as I tried to scrap the vicious smelling brown gunk off of my best converse trainers.
I guess that if you need to go you need to go so, what better place than my doorstep? It is slightly off the main road and the door is a little bit back from the wall. But what makes a person crouch down in the middle of London to take a dump in someone’s door well? What is going on in these peoples’ brains? There is a pub next door, if you are so desperate go there. I despair.
My doorstep has become a popular place for the local scumbags to sit and drink their cheap booze, smoke funny fags and harass passers-by. Free gifts, including poo, are not a new thing to find on the step. Everyday various detritus is left for my morning perusal and avoidance.
Recent things I have seen include; vomit, empty spirit bottles, a whole donor kebab, a single shoe, a television, a dead cat, a helmet, hypodermic needles, used condoms, a bag full of old cassettes, muggers, a wedding ring, a sleeping tramp, various tights, an orange jumpsuit, a computer containing important governmental information, thieves, lots of socks, a bust of Hitler and Pete Doherty.
As the old axiom goes, “A man who is tired of London is tired of stepping in human s**t.”
4 Comments
You wouldn’t think there were that many busts of Hitler and Pete Doherty around, would you? Not enough for people to go losing them, anyway.
I know, strangely Pete’s head is so much larger than Hitler’s. I should know, I’ve met em both in real life.
Nooooooooo.
That is so gross.
And you got it on your shoe. Did you have to throw them away?
I would have had to I think. I ean dog poo is bad, but human poo, it just seems soooo much worse.
Shivers.
I ain’t throwing my best converse away Jo. I just used my toothbrush to clean them. Yummy.