Yesterday I attended a training course in Victoria (London not Australia). I found the course to be rather irrelevant and wearisome. There were far too many time consuming exercises and not enough theory. However, I do now have a qualification from the Press Association and I did get to spend a day out of the office.
I made the majestic error of sitting next to the complementary coffee and biscuits. I have this bizarre psychological habit of having to consume free things. You put something in front of me, be it sandwiches, biscuits or coffee, I will consume everything. I think of it as a free treat.
Usually I eat and drink very frugally, so sandwiches filled with chicken and bacon or crayfish is not something I generally have. My usual lunch consists of a couple of oranges and apples and a raw carrot, a girl has to keep her figure you know. I also hate waste and to see food being thrown away gives me nightmares.
By midday I had finished off a plateful of biscuits and had nine cups of coffee. Lunch came around and I had a whole tray of sandwiches to myself. Nobody else seemed to care that they would just be thrown away so I felt it my responsibility to leave nothing.
As the afternoon wore on, and I was on my third jug of rich, strong coffee, my mind started racing. I was thinking about anything and everything. What was I to buy from the supermarket? What should that vocal melody be in the chorus of my new song? Should I buy that dress from ASOS? The plot of the new Star Trek film (if it does take place before the five year mission how can the main villains be Romulans, who Starfleet met for the first time halfway through the original series?)
My colleague Pip was nudging me. I suddenly became aware of my surroundings. My leg was bouncing up and down, my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. The lecturer was staring directly at me; I had not been paying attention for a very long time.
“Mr Galaxy, could we please stop with the humming?”
“Pardon?” I said weakly.
“You have been humming now for a good ten minutes, could you please stop?”
I looked at Pip. His slow nod and look of pity confirmed that I had indeed been humming tonelessly for a while. I needed to get out, go for a run, or a dance, I was buzzing and wired. Instead I was made to do another tedious exercise, whilst drinking yet another cup of strong coffee.
At 3am this morning, as I lay wide awake in bed, with a splitting headache and pounding heart, thinking about all the things I have to worry about, I decided that it may not be such a good idea to sit next to the coffee. Next time I’m just going to take loads of drugs instead.